It’s here. February. The month of my twins birth.

I always expect their birthday to be a difficult day, but this year my grief has taken hold even earlier than I expected. And it seems to be that way for my little boy, Wyatt, too.

We try to talk about Olivia daily. We look at her pictures, we talk about her. We remember her.

The last few days Wyatt has been showing a lot of signs of missing his beloved sissy. First, he spent nearly all of our time with a close family friend doting on their little girl. He wanted to give her toys, her binky, and help her take her coat on and off. Then yesterday he suddenly began to call a little girl that I watch, “sissy.” Each time he said it, it broke my heart. While it’s probably irrational, it sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

I reminded him that he already has a sister. That she loves him all the way from Heaven and that she will always be in his heart.

He said he knows that, but that it just felt good to call her “sis.” He then went on to tell me that he really wants to have another sister. He’s even mentioned more than once that he thinks I should get another baby in my belly so he can have one.

Me heart is breaking all over again this week. Wyatt shouldn’t be without his sissy. They were twins. A set. They should have always had each other to go through life with. I hate that he was robbed of that.

So today I do my best to console him and to remind him that she is still a part of him. And God willing, maybe some day I will have another little girl and he will have another sister to dote on. He definitely spent all his time making sure Olivia knew just how special she was to him. Often to the point of annoyance.

My sweet boy and his tender heart. How precious their life together would have been.

Olivia Caldwell Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric cancer research. This month consider donating $4 in honor of what would have been Olivia’s 4th birthday. Click here to donate.