I have three kids. But only two of them are here with me. Nearly two and a half years ago my precious daughter went to Heaven at just 20 months old after a long battle with brain cancer.

Her loss has left behind a never-ending trail of grief and difficult questions. We are often asked if we have any other children. Or if we will try again to “get that girl.” These questions of course come from well-intentioned strangers that have no idea about our loss.

My response always used to be that I have three kids but our daughter passed away. But lately I have found it too difficult to go into details. So sometimes I will simply say we just have the two boys.

Immediately my heart starts to ache and my stomach is in knots. I feel sick like I’ve betrayed my daughter.

I want to blurt out that I have three kids! I have a daughter even though you can’t see her! Sometimes though it is just too much to explain the most difficult part of my life to people who think they are just asking a basic question.

This is another part of losing a child that tears me apart. She is missing. And she always will be.

There should be three.

Olivia Caldwell Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric cancer research. Olivia would have turned 4 on February 19th. We are asking that everyone donate $4 to pediatric cancer research in honor of her 4th birthday. You can donate at https://www.flipcause.com/secure/cause_pdetails/NTI2MA==.