I’ve been taking a break from blogging lately. Every time I sit down to start a post, it’s like my mind draws a blank. I just haven’t been able to go there after the twins birthday on February 19th.

The entire month of February was hard for me this year. I went into a depression or at least a deep funk. I would cry throughout the day. Feel overwhelmed by everything. I was just really missing my daughter, I think more than any of the other birthdays we’ve had to celebrate without her.

My best guess is that this birthday was harder because as time goes on the walls are coming down. It’s less about the initial survival of the grief, which means my defense mechanisms are waning.

As we set up for Wyatt’s dinosaur themed party I thought endlessly about what could have been. How life would be if Olivia was still alive. I can imagine a joint birthday party that tried to weave dinosaurs and princesses together. Or a tea party in one room while the boys played dinosaurs in the other. She was always our girly girl with a feisty personality so I know there’s no way she would have settled for anything else than a melding of the two.

Every day I wish that this was all just a bad dream. I wish I could just wake up and see my twins together once again. How truly special that would have been.

Olivia Caldwell Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric cancer research. You can learn more and donate by visiting



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