I Can’t Think Of You

546504_10150690745772416_540301516_nThe day I found out I was having a boy and a girl (twins) was truly the best day of my life. I had always hoped to have a little girl. A precious little lady that I could love and cherish and help mold into a wonderful woman some day.

Olivia was everything I had hoped for and so much more… except for one thing.

Olivia had cancer. Brain cancer to be exact.

At just 4 months old an MRI showed that she had a cancerous brain tumor that had spread all throughout her brain and down her spine.

The cancer stole her ability to ever walk or crawl, most of her eyesight, and eventually her life.

She died in October 2013, and along with her a big piece of me.

I’ve always believed that I haven’t really grieved her. If I ever took the time and allowed myself to feel the depth of her loss, I surely wouldn’t survive it. It would break me.

So my coping mechanism has been to block myself from thinking about her. I try not to look at her pictures. I avoid remembering the little things that made her so spectacular.

My little strategy works well, until it doesn’t anymore. Suddenly the grief I’ve ignored comes over me like a wave. I have days or weeks of anguish, exhaustion, and such an intense sadness that it’s hard to snap out of.

It’s in those times that I allow myself to remember how broken I am. How much her loss continues to rock me to my very core. If it wasn’t for my relationship with God I would no longer stand. I would be completely without hope.


Olivia Caldwell Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric cancer research. You can learn more and donate at www.oliviacaldwellfoundation.org.

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