Have you ever been asked how many kids you have? If you have children, odds are you are asked this simple question nearly every day. When you have lost a child, that question becomes uncomfortable, and quite frankly, heartbreaking to answer.

You see, God saw fit to make me a mother three times. First, thanks to my twins, Wyatt and Olivia. And again, with the birth of my littlest, Landon. But if you see me chasing my two wild little boys at the park, you would never know that I have a daughter too. You might even wonder if we’ve ever tried for a little girl.

Life without Olivia will never feel right. I adore my two crazy little boys, but I wonder every day what it would be like to have her with me too. Would she join in on their silly games? Or would she be content to sit and color while she rolls her eyes at them? Would she be a bit of a tomboy? Or would she wear princess dresses and force them to have tea parties with her? I will never know.

Another one of the heartbreaking things about losing her is that I will never have a picture of the three of them together. I have plenty of pictures of Wyatt and Olivia, and many more of Wyatt and Landon. But I will never get to see my three beautiful babies side-by-side.

Losing a child is hard. It’s unnatural. It’s living life without a huge piece of yourself. She is missing from every single recent memory. I won’t know what it’s like to have Christmas or birthdays with all of my babies. And I won’t know what it’s like to watch them all play together.

Cancer stole Olivia and stole the memories we should have been able to make as a family of five. I can’t get any of that back no matter how much I wish I could. But even with that hard, horrible truth, I am still a mother to 3 beautiful children. That is one thing cancer will never take away.

The Olivia Caldwell Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric cancer research. They have given $155,000 to pediatric cancer research since 2013. You can learn more and donate by visiting www.oliviacaldwellfoundation.org.