There is now forever an empty spot that used to be occupied by Olivia. Her space in our car is now empty. I can still picture her sitting there in her car seat. Smiling and stretching while she did her baby yoga. I can hear her babbling away from the backseat. She was so proud of herself with each new sound and I was so proud of her.
I walk to my room each night and pass by her closed door. I can still picture where each item sits in her room and in my mind I can hear her squealing with delight when I would open her door to get her after she was done resting. I can envision the pink and green tree decal with the butterflies and birds that’s on the wall by her crib that now sits empty. She should still be there.
In our bathroom her toothbrush still sits in the toothbrush holder and her towel hangs unused on the bathroom door.
There are reminders of her everywhere. And I can’t bring myself, nor do I want to remove everything. I want to remember her. I want the proof that she really was here and that I really did have a daughter. But at the same time seeing her things sit untouched is so incredibly painful.
Losing a child is not the natural order of life. When you get pregnant you expect that you will have a lifetime filled with play dates, laughter and experiences as a family. We were robbed of that. We had only 20 months, 3 days and 4 hours with our little girl.
Wyatt notices the emptiness too. He has an attachment to me that goes beyond what is normal for a two year old. He wakes up screaming at night and becomes hysterical until he can come and sleep with me. He sleeps the best if he is in the same room as his Dad and I. It’s as though he is terrified that he will wake up one morning and we will be gone too, just like his sister was. It breaks my heart and leaves me feeling so unsure of what to do. He’s only 2 and far too young to explain the emotions he is feeling but I can tell his heart is broken. There are days he doesn’t even want to look at her pictures.
I miss Olivia with every fiber in my body. I ache for her. I think daily that I would give anything to be able to hold her one more time. I know that we will be reunited in Heaven one day but when you are missing your heart that day can’t come soon enough.
Olivia Caldwell Foundation was founded in November 2013 to honor the life of Olivia Caldwell. We are a pending 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric brain cancer research. To learn more and to donate please visit our website at www.oliviacaldwellfoundation.org.